Dear Everyone associated with the selling of our home and the purchase of the dream home:
Just do your damn job.
I’m not asking for much. What I’m asking for you is to do your damn job. I’m not even asking for extra services here. I’m asking for you to DO the ONE THING we contracted with you to DO. The thing you’re being paid to do.
For example, Mortgage Company (and you’re the one I really want to strangle) your job is to issue the mortgage. When you need a piece of paperwork, it’s your job to tell us you need it. When you issue a letter stating that we have been approved for our mortgage, it’s your job to put the CORRECT AMOUNT on the letter and the CORRECT ADDRESS of the property we’re purchasing.
You tell us we need flood insurance. The sellers tell us we don’t. The surveyor tells us we don’t. You agree that we don’t. Your “compliance officer” tells us he doesn’t care what FEMA says, and he requires it anyhow. Fine. We tell you that in order to get the flood insurance you demand, we need an elevation certificate. You send out a surveyor to survey the property and don’t tell him to issue an elevation certificate. Therefore we still don’t have flood insurance, and without flood insurance, you won’t issue us a mortgage. Do you see the problem here? Just do your damn job.
To the real estate agents (there are three of you involved right now) please just do your damn job. When we call and ask how the funding is going to get from one closing to the next, please tell us about how the funds will be wired, not “Trust us: we do this every day!” and then a little later, “Oh, gee, that’s not going to be enough time.” Do your damn job.
To the attorney: we want to have the closing somewhere other than your bedroom where you can recline on a settee with your feet elevated on a pillow while you eat bon-bons. Do your damn job and get to a location such that fifteen other people don’t have to travel an hour each way for the honor of your presence.
To fifteen random service providers who never called us back: what part of “We’re trying to do business with you” are you failing to comprehend? You claim to offer a service in exchange for money. We’re trying to give you money. What am I missing here?
And that’s just for starters. Dear everyone: we’re doing our best, but there’s only so much we can do if you don’t do your damn job.
Because right now, the closing is in two weeks, and I’m not sure it’s actually going to come together in time because half of you guys can’t find your back pocket with either hand, let alone both at the same time, and all of you are allergic to work.
Just do your damn job and this will be a whole lot easier on all of us.
In all fairness, there are several folks who’ve done a stellar job with things. The handyman/miracle worker whom the realtor recommended is awesome and deserves to have his number retired in Handyman Stadium. The HVAC guy is similarly wonderful. But they know who they are because they can look themselves in the mirror in the mornings and be proud of themselves.