Over Thanksgiving, I got to see my relatives who produced The Galapagos Island Calendar that you’ll keep hearing about until they finish selling it all. (Not many left — seriously, guys, hurry and order one.)
This is the same branch of the family that has contact with the Folks Who Fear The End Of The World. You know, the ones with The Bunker. And no, not a banana bunker, either, but the real deal with hundreds of canned goods and a thousand rolls of toilet paper. Plus the guns and ammo. For when the UN takes over and Jesus Christ returns to kick everyone’s butt. Those people.
(Whenever you wonder where I get my twisted theology from, go and re-read the Bunker story and remember that I didn’t think any of that was strange at the time.)
Okay, so back to Thanksgiving, where my relative of the calendar comes and says, “You’ve got to take a look at this.”
It’s a message from one of the Bunker Guys, to whom my relative sent a calendar. Except it’s not a message from him: it’s an email TO him that he’s printed out to send to my relative. The message was from someone who, apparently, is just as much into the End Of The World and has a mailing list about when it’s going to happen. Because no one knows the day or the hour, not even the Son, but apparently that doesn’t stop many people from trying to figure it out. This message stated that the sender (whose name I looked at but wasn’t familiar) had “received a locution from God the Father.” And it went something like this, rough paraphrase:
Within the next two weeks, God will strike the United States with a series of devastating blows. Our country will be divided by earthquakes and a series of fires right down the middle, beginning a period of chastisement and destruction.
This is the bread and butter of my childhood. I can’t tell you how many times the world was about to end. Now, I could believe that the country is symbolically divided, but the letter described a physical division. I can definitely believe our country is badly in need of a spanking. Our economic injustices alone are enough outcry to God on high.
But messages like that are a steady diet of fear, and really, they’re a manifestation of the earliest phase of Christian moral development. I’m not going to say that God isn’t really talking to that person, but the proof is in the pudding. Or in this case, the proof is in the prophecy. The message said that this would happen in two weeks, and was dated November 19th. Two weeks from then is today, December 3rd.
Now for the truly funny part: at the bottom of the message, Mr. Bunker had written, “Thank you so much for the calendar. It’s a masterpiece!”
Is that as funny to you as it is to me? The world is going to end imminently, but he buys a calendar.