Over at Conversion Diary, this jumped out at me:
“Man lives on truth and on being loved: on being loved by the truth.”
This seemingly simple passage gave me a real jolt. It came from the fact that it immediately changed my perspective of the relationship with God on its head. We (I at least) are constantly so focused on our part in the relationship — Am I praying enough?, Am I praying correctly?, Am I doing enough?, Am I good enough?, Are my thoughts on God and his presence (or seeming lack)?, and so on.
About two years ago, I realized that while I was doing the above (working on my relationship with God) that I’d structured the whole relationship in such a way that there was no room left for God to love me. I talked about this before in my little self-forgiveness discussion.
No one I spoke to understood what I was saying, that in the overall, I was so focused on “getting it right” that I never opened up enough to allow God to love me. There were other issues too that needed to be addressed (and trust me, my guardian angel addressed them, or rather forced me to address them) and over time, I was able to relax.
But I remember how I would tell someone, “I have been preventing God from loving me,” and every single person would respond, “That’s not possible.”
It is, of course. It’s possible to prevent God from loving me by framing myself as unlovable. If I position myself to God as “the person who does these things” then in my relationship with God I’ve put forward a pseudo-self and kept the real-self way down hidden. God can see it, but I’ve made it so God can’t relate to it.
That real-self is always very vulnerable, and the pseudo-self is so competent. See, we say: I pray, I fast, I tithe, I give to the poor, and I always wear my shirt on top and my pants on bottom. I’m pretty much unassailable.
Meanwhile, the real self, if we let it, would say, “Have mercy on me, O God, because I’m an idiot and incompetent, and I know you don’t really want me. You want the person I could have been.”
Two years ago, the answer I got was, “Actually, I’m not at all interested in the competent and unassailable person. Now, let’s talk about the incompetent idiot for a little while, because she’s very interesting to me.”
That was a very scary month or two. I’ve recently revisited the same issues. They’re tough to handle. But I’m beginning to realize that what the guest blogger at Conversion Diary said is absolutely true, that our inner peace lies in being loved, and infinite inner peace lies in being loved by the Infinite.