The following appeared in The Wittenburg Door; they have since closed up shop and the reprint rights are mine, so I’m reprinting it here on the grounds that it seems appropriate, considering the tumult over the May 21st people.
Right Behind You
by Jane Lebak
I’d like to thank you all for your assistance in resolving the Rapture Crisis. For those who don’t know me, I’m the Archangel Gabriel, and I’ll blow the trumpet to begin the Endtimes. First slide, please.
Thank you. As you can see, we’ve made four attempts at the Rapture in the past two decades, every time facing the same difficulty. Our Lord dispatches us to mark and then remove true Christians, but when we find them, none will come.
Next slide, please. Shelly Peterson is a typical case study: lifelong Christian, attends church twice a week, volunteers at a food pantry, spends an hour a day in prayer while raising three children. Michael attempted a Rapture in her minivan, but she demanded he wait for her to pull over. Next she refused to go unless he also took her children, to which he assented. Then she asked about her husband, and Michael said he was not to be taken. Mrs. Peterson requested Michael should take the children and leave her behind so she could witness to her husband during the Tribulation. After thirty minutes’ heated argument, Michael was forced to abort the attempted Rapture, and Mrs. Peterson continued driving to the food cooperative.
Next slide, please. This is John McClaren, a twenty-five year old Christian, turned to Jesus six years ago, has read the Bible three times and is considering the ministry. I approached Mr. McClaren for Rapture in Target, and he refused outright. Following him through the menswear aisle, I explained the Tribulation that would strike all sinners.
His reply, and next slide please for quotation: “I want to help them even if I suffer the same trials. Jesus wouldn’t walk away from needy people. Jesus in fact walked into a situation in which he would die for sinners. I have no choice but to love the ones left behind the way Jesus loves me.” By this point he’d led me to store security where he asked to have me arrested for harassment. So with that, I left him behind.
Next slide, please. On this chart, you will note that in four attempts to execute the Rapture, one thousand archangels have successfully Raptured only two individuals: one a ninety-eight year old comatose nursing home resident in Passaic, New Jersey. The other consented only after I agreed to let her play my trumpet.
This setback has baffled the Rapture Team sufficiently that we questioned Jerry Jenkins. He had no explanation for why the characters in his Left Behind series would leave whereas actual Christians unanimously choose to tend the sick and dying while helping others learn about God.
Final slide, please. Our options at this point seem to be Rapturing Christians by force — although several archangels have been ordered away under the authority of Jesus Christ — or beginning the Endtimes without it. We’ve also floated a rewrite of the two passages in the New Testament which kinda-sorta indicate there will be a Rapture. It’s uncertain whether the Almighty would allow that, so we should form a committee to draft a revision before approaching Him.
I’ll open the floor for questions.
As it turns out, yes, I did consult Jesus for clarification, and he laughed. Said it was good to know that when he returned, he would find faith on Earth.
This originally appeared in the Wittenburg Door, Issue 211 May/June 2007.