The Birth Plan From Hell

The Birth Plan You Never Want To See If You’re A Midwife

Written by Ben & Ilene Dover
baby due 6/30/08

We are writing this birth plan for our baby, who will be delivered at Memorial Hospital. We have chosen this hospital because of your reputation as responsible practitioners who respect that patients are customers, and customers are always right.

Prelabor:
Ilene’s membranes will rupture in the shower at 10:05 AM on Thursday, June 28th. Contractions will begin by 10:30, and by 11:05 she will be in contact with her care provider. Dr. Cole will be on call that day. We will be admitted to the hospital by 11:45 by a nurse named Julia.

Birth environment:
Ilene will be assigned room 115. There will be tasteful still-lifes on the wall, which will have pastel striped wallpaper. We would like the lighting dim (40 watts) and the bed and television remote controls placed on Ilene’s right side.

Labor:
Ilene will require only the loving support of Ben and a bottle of spring water to make her way through a completely painless labor. Contractions will progress steadily and she will achieve full dilation by 5:20pm.

Birth:
Birth will take place at 5:50 while “More Than A Feeling” plays on Ilene’s favorite radio station. Ben will announce that the baby is a boy and cut the cord. The baby will weigh 8 pounds 1 ounce and be 21 inches long, and he will resemble his paternal grandfather.